Suddenly (for the best) I'm A Single Mother......

by Ms. newlife
(Washington)

My story is a bit of a bitter sweet one. I decided to write and tell it, in case there are other expectant mothers out there like myself, or you know someone in a situation where this might be of some help.


Today I am just 6 weeks away from bringing my son into the world :) Thankfully I am feeling ready and excited for this amazing gift and new chapter of my life. 8 months ago I was in the very worst place in my life, but here's the short version of how I got here now.......


I married the person who I thought was my soul mate. I had never felt so at one with another human, experienced such passionate love, or had a better partner in general. Unfortunately, along with all the passion and love he gave me, he also started revealing a controlling side which was easy to overlook at first. I had ignored the big red flag 10 days before our wedding and what started on the evening of our wedding.

Our honeymoon started out beautifully however that was the last time I saw my cell phone, then my friends and family for a good while. The very end of our honeymoon was the first incident that I would have never seen coming. He beat me up and knocked me unconscious. I left for home with out him and slept for days, so confused, traumatized, and with my heart broken. It didn't take long for him to come back and cry, plead for my forgiveness and insist he would get help. I gave in.

He was incredible for the first few weeks. We moved into a beautiful little home on the water that was so peaceful and amazing. This all changed quickly with the abuse creeping in, then getting more often and severe. I still had no phone and we had no neighbours to even run to for help. I had completely lost myself, becoming numb and depressed. Everyday I had to find reasons to keep on going, especially the day after the most severe of the beatings and waking up to my dog getting hit by a car....... again I slept for day and couldn't eat. I kept hearing his threats to kill me throughout my head, and feeling the sincerity included in his rage. I've never felt so scared or like I was honestly in a bad dream.


Now I'll fast forward to the week I found out I was pregnant. Immediately a light as bright as an amphitheatre switched on in my head! This was not about me any more. It was about an innocent new life, and I was the mother who would protect. I knew I had to get out NOW! It was time to call my mom. I did, and in a matter of hours she drove into town to come and get me.

It took a couple of months to thaw out my insides and I literally did by forcing myself to lay in the sunshine and write about everything. It hurt like HELL!!! I felt as if I was going to die. I had suffered in life before, but not like this. What I can say, is that it did get better with time. Thinking of my baby all the way, I gave myself lists of things to do, to repair myself and prepare for my baby.

I had $0 so I had to get on state insurance. This provided me with counselling, victims of abuse classes, along with prenatal and infant care classes, doctor visits, literally every resource I needed. I also went down to the woman's shelter for advice and they were extremely helpful providing a legal advocate and support groups. All of this kept me so busy and started empowering me! It was a HUGE part of my heeling process.


They told me I needed to get a protection order right away (smartest thing I ever did!). The last thing I wanted to do is go to court or deal with anything legal. I wanted everything to just go away on it's own and never have to face him again! Good thing there were strong women around me to tell me different and insist everything would be for the best if I took these steps. My anxiety was high, but I listened to people who were there to guide me. I took things step by step and went through the motions. Next thing I knew, I was granted a "permanent" protection order. He would never be able to touch me, see me, or talk to me again, even through 3rd party unless through the court. She also ordered him 1 year of therapy.


After this the legal advocate ordered a lawyer for me at no cost to handle my divorce. It hurt really bad, but I knew I had to do it for my child on the way and to start a healthy new life for the both of us. After all.... my husband was a perfect example of what happens when you allow for there to be a toxic father in a child's life. Finding out I was having a boy made this even more apparent! So I got on with the process and all the little steps it took. Reminding myself to relax, be patient and take it every day at a time. The most important thing would be for the divorce to be final BEFORE the baby is born, because the courts don't see a pregnancy (thank god!) to be a dependent child included into the divorce. I had also decided not to list him on the birth certificate which would not give him any rights as a father. During this whole time, I just laid low and completed all tasks in front of me until about 2 weeks ago when my divorce became final :)


The counselling has made an amazing difference in my life and has been helping me realize so much and discover strengths and ambitions I didn't know I had. I've worked things out with my 9 year old student loans that were in default and am going into a nursing program this spring. There are so many resources and help for single mothers!
For anyone who might be in a similar situation or knows someone who is, the advise and things I would like to give are......

*The new life you are about to give deserves a fair start in a healthy, loving, safe environment.

*Know there is light at the end of the tunnel and your pain and hurt will heal with time, trust yourself and just take things one step at a time. It will all come together in time!

* You will be rewarded for doing the right thing and find yourself in a much happier life. This is your new beginning!

*Every resource you need is out there! Don't be afraid to ask help or seek it at a woman's shelter (it doesn't mean you need to stay there and it's completely confidential). You need strong women around you and that's what they are there for.

* Know that abuse comes in MANY forms! You don't have to be physically abused for it to be necessary to leave. Emotional/mental abuse is even more severe! Everyone's situation is different and you can't let yourself or your child be subjected to the damages any longer.

* Buy or check out this book!!!!! "Why Does He Do That?" By Lindy Bancroft. It's a must as far as I'm concerned and been an invaluable help.

Well...... I hope my story can help at least one person out there. Thanks for listening :)

Reply from New Baby & Beyond

Ms Newlife,

Thank you for your story, you are a very brave and courageous woman! Hopefully anyone who reads this and are in the same situation will find the strength to do the same as you did, especially when there are children involved.

We should protect our children in every way we can, and I'm overwhelmed by the steps that you have taken to protect your baby! Sometimes being a single mother is a better option that having an abusive father for your baby.

I wish you the very best in your future. Enjoy every moment of being a mum, time really does fly so hold every one of those moments in your heart!

Kind regards and A very happy new year to you and your 'bump'!

Julie,

New baby & Beyond