Sleep Issues

by Cyndi Massa
(Clovis, California, United States)

Hi Julie...it's Cyndi. I was on your site again & so enjoy it! Here's my dilemma. As you know I separated w/my husband during pregnancy & lived with my parents until Avery was 3 months old. During that time, I was sleeping in the living room with her. Then we moved, but the rental that we were in and the one we're in now only has 3 bedrooms and I have 4 kids!

I have Avery's bed in my room (for now) and unfortunately, between my mom who watches her and my ex-husband, they've done what is easiest in getting Avery to sleep, which is to give her a bottle until she goes to sleep.

I used to have her routine down...I'd put her down sleepy but awake & she'd fall asleep. But all my work has been undone. Despite what I've said to them, the bad habit is already a habit. So now, especially in light of her ever changing visitation schedule with dad, she's hysterical when I put her in her crib.

So I get her good & asleep and then put her down in it...but then she's up a couple hours later and there's no way she goes back to sleep on her own. I have to say, she's ALWAYS been a restless sleeper. I remember having the nurse take her for a few hours at night because she stirred so much I couldn't rest at all. So she's never slept sound and she always wakes about every 3 hours even to this day. She'll take a little formula and then go to sleep. But she always wakes up looking for it and if I just pat her back to quiet her, she'll still fully wake up looking for me and a bottle.

Ugh, I haven't slept in about a year!! I'm tired and my situation leaves me little options. FORTUNATELY, I'm trying to buy my old house from my parents and if I'm approved, I'll then be back in my 4 bedroom home, which will have her own room.

I can't do the cry it out method...I'm wimpy that way. I can't stand to hear her crying like that. I think she's going through so much now with the divorce/custody thing and the moves we've made. Any help?? Is it just going to get worse?? My oldest daughter was colicky & a restless sleeper too but I don't remember her being in my bed like this.

Reply from New Baby & Beyond

Hi Cyndi

It's so nice to hear from you. Can I take the time to wish little Avery a very 'Happy 1st Birthday'.

OK where to start?... This is a hard one, firstly and I can't stress this enough, you have to try and get your mum and ex to play ball with you! You simply cannot get Avery into a routine without their help. If you start trying to get Avery to accept a new set of rules and they don't back you up with it, you will get no-where.

Thinking about your situation logically, Avery has 3 carers, you, your mum, and your ex. She seems more than happy to do as the other two wish, but it's you that is struggling. Obviously Avery prefers their method to yours, which is understandable because that way, she gets more attention. This is why (the other 2 carers) they really need to back you up on what you will do to get Avery into a better routine. Avery will be in a far happier place when she has a set routine that every one will stick too.

Avery is 12 months old, and unless she has a medical reason, there is no need to be feeding her formula through the night. You said, that when she wakes, she looks for you and the formula. Replace the formula with cooled boiled water as it may be more the sucking motion that is calming her rather than the formula. Does she have a pacifier? A pacifier can replace the bottle, she can still get the benefit of sucking, but she's not relying on the formula or water.

To be honest Cyndi, I know you say you can't do the controlled crying method, but you really need to make a start somewhere, even if it's only something small. If you do manage to get the 4 bedroom house back, and Avery gets her own room, I can't see that this will make any difference, she will still cry for you and you will just end up swapping rooms half way through the night.

So let's try to do things slowly. If what I think is right, Avery cries during the night, you pick her up and give her a bottle, and she then falls back to sleep in your arms? How about when she cries, you give her a bottle but don't pick her up. Try sitting next to her cot, smoothing her face, rubbing her back, whatever calms her, but don't pick her up. If she cries, she should calm down eventually, if it gets to the stage where you think she is getting so worked up that will vomit, then pick her up for only a minute, soothe her and put her back into her bed. If she starts to cry again, start the method again, hand her the bottle, but don't pick her up and so on. You may have to deal with her crying for a while. Although I don't know Avery, I really think that eventually she will just give up and go to sleep. When she realises that Mommy isn't up for the games that she wants to play (this is why is really is much better not to pick her up at all) Once you do pick her up it's like starting all over again.

Unfortunately she seems so gathered up in her bad routine that you may have to put up with a few very disturbed nights to get things back on track, but for your sanity Cyndi, you need to really stick to getting her into a better routine. You need to start the putting her to bed sleepy routine again too, and try your hardest to enlist the help of Averys other carers. Tell them how you want Averys bedtime to be done. You are her Mum after all, and they should understand that if you set a routine it needs to be kept too.

When My son was around 12 months old, he went through a stage where he would wake at 1 or 2 in the morning, I would go in, pick him up and comfort him, but then he wouldn't go back to bed. For a couple of weeks he had me up every night, and wasn't happy until I was pacing the room, talking to him, showing him toys etc. I knew it had to stop, after 2 weeks I was shattered (so I can really sympathise with you if you haven't slept properly for a year!) I used the controlled crying method, started with one minute, to five minutes, to 15 minutes and so on... this went on for a good couple of hours, I was so tired, and I though he was going to be sick, he was so worked up, then suddenly it stopped! I rushed back in thinking there was something wrong, and there he was sleeping soundly sitting with his back against the head of his cot! He gave in, he knew that I really wasn't going to give into him, and he went to sleep! He never did get up again in the night after that unless he was ill.

Can I just say (and I know what a hard time that you have been through) Avery doesn't understand the divorce/custody battle. She doesn't know what is going on, please don't feel bad for her about this, as what she is doing on a daily basis is normal for her. She didn't know the 'normal' life that you had before she was born. If you feel anxious for Avery, she will pick up on your anxiety.

OK just another thing that I thought of, have you tried a white noise CD with Avery? Or are there any sounds which soothe her. Any music CDs that you have which calm her down? Some babies will settle quicker with white noise in the background, this may be worth a try. She can then replace the bottle and needing Mum at bedtime with the white noise or music. You can still be next to her, but not holding her?

Anything is worth a try Cyndi.
I will keep thinking, and if I do come up with anything else, then I will reply on this page again.

Main two things Cyndi, insist that your mum and ex back you up with this. Explain to them that you really need Avery in a routine to keep everybody happy, including Avery. Do try the controlled crying method, it doesn't have to be anything extreme, just one small step at a time. If she can settle herself again just once, you will know that it hasn't all been in vain.

I hope this helps just a little, I really do feel for you, and wish I could be there to help in person. You need to stay strong, and remember Avery loves you no matter what! You are her world, and she will be happier if you sleep well and are in a happier frame of mind.

My very best wishes to you, please keep in touch and give Avery a happy 1st birthday hug from me.

Julie
New Baby & Beyond